The Pi of Love

Today I officiated at a wedding at the Blue Skies Inn Bed and Breakfast. I’ve done several weddings there; it’s a beautiful place and the innkeepers, Sally Thurston and Mike
Dutcher are wonderful people and great community allies. But this one was to be a little different. The couple had chosen today specifically because it was Pi Day. Pi Day is celebrated every March 14 to lift up the mathematical symbol. Pi  is  used to represent a constant — the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter — which is approximately 3.14159. But that’s just the starting point. It has been calculated to over one trillion digits beyond its decimal point. Today’s date, beyond the normal celebration of 3.14 is even more special; it’s the centennial Pi date that won’t happen again for another hundred years. Today,  you can live in the pi  moment up to  3.141592653 if you are paying attention. It’s too late for this morning but here in Colorado, there is still an opportunity to pause and savor the once a century moment of 3/14/15 9:26:53 PM.  Even those who are mathematically challenged (i.e. me) have a love affair with Pi; It is so symbolic of life and love.

As an irrational and transcendental number, it will continue infinitely without repetition or pattern. And isn’t that how love circumscribes our lives? We can point to a beginning, but from there on out, it is a mystery that goes on and on, as long as we seek out the next computation of how love informs the diameters—the borders of our lives. Just as in love, the full value of pi can never be known.  So often we try to approach love rationally, insisting that if we just take the decimal out far enough we can make sense of it all, find a rational reason to fall in love, understand the contours of a broken heart  divided into integers of logic, use a tried and true proof or theorem to determine in advance the correct way to proceed in love, with a sure-fire, front-ended guarantee that if you just do this and this, this will be always be true.

But that isn’t how the pi of love works.. It’s irrational, remember? And constantly changing, never repeating itself—not even once! not even after a trillion different variables have been added into the equation. There is no end to how long the pi of love will encircle us, where it will take us, if we only don’t give up on the equation, if we only try not to lose the thread of digits in the cluttered maze of our everyday lives, in the darkened corners of our unexamined hearts.

It’s an equation that I have yet to master. I confess: most of the time, at this point in my life, I feel too faint-hearted to try. It’s terrifying to think of what might happen if I dared to think I could attempt to get past the celebratory date of pi and into the actual seeking it out and letting its transcendental mystery seek to measure the circumference of my heart.

Every time I officiate at a wedding, I look with awe at the couple tying the knot-- young, old, first marriage, second or third, gay, straight, lesbian—and I think how do you know? What gives you the audacity to say “I do” and mean it forever, for infinity?

Photo Credit: Sally Thurston

And I thought the same things looking at this charming couple today, so young and full of love, and full of hope. “As you stand here, today,” I told them, “3.1415-- this is your starting point, too, this creation of a circle of love whose circumference will go on and on, a mystery, irrational, but never repetitious, never dull. May you always find joy in the mystery, meaning in the irrational, and may you be centered in the transcendental nature of this love, this never-ending calculation that will take the fullness of your lives to explore, understanding that even then, your love will never be fully known.”

Before they exchanged their rings, I held them up high, saying, as I almost always do at this point, “The ring is an outward and visible expression of an inward and invisible bond.” But today I also added,  “The circle is such a simple shape, but the pi of it is complex and never-ending. May these simple circles, these rings be a symbol of the complex and never-ending nature of your marriage.”

It was a wonderful ceremony and I found myself, as I often do, verklempt at the irrational nature of love, the infinite amount of ways we can find love and meaning in our lives, the possibilities that await us if we can just keep our heart open to the pi of love and life.

In a 1967 episode of Star Trek, Kirk asks Spock if there are any mathematical problems that just can’t be solved. “Compute to the last digit the value of pi,” Spock replies.

Single or partnered, wherever we find ourselves on this historic pi day, may this be our life long adventure; the impossible task of finding the end of love, daily seeking ways to deepen and enrich our lives with all the many ways love shows up, through all of its irrationality, and may we meet the newness of each experience with gratitude for the mystery which resides in the circle of love.

Of course, I ended the day with my own celebration: Apple pie--- that’s always a sure winner!

 

Photo Credit: Cate Terwilliger

I have my sweet little pencil and my cunning little pad, and I’ll just write my little curly head off. Here I go now. – Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker with her found pencil

A church member sent me a link to this essay by Dorothy Parker that was published in the September 16, 1924 edition of Life magazine; I know exactly how she feels. After my burst of creativity last month (well, the subject was sex—who doesn’t love to talk about that?) I have been lying stagnant, metaphorically blaming my lack of words on the loss of a pencil, but here the laptop sits, bold as brass in front of me, the cursor blinking accusingly on this empty open document so now I, too, must ask myself, what the hell am I going to write about?

It’s not for lack of interesting issues--- there is the 50^th anniversary of the March from Selma to Montgomery, and those who were martyred then and those who were lives were changed as a result of participating in that historic event; there’s the correlation to today, with the Department of Justice report finding the police and city officials of Ferguson, MO guilty of a pattern of systemic racist practices in their conduct toward people of color, even while exonerating the white officer, Darren White who shot and killed Mike Brown, an unarmed 18 year old Black man; there’s the irony of the State Supreme Court of Alabama ruling that forbids local jurisdictions to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples, ignoring the federal, constitutionally upheld mandate for that state to do so; there’s the sad news that on the eve of the historic commemoration of Selma, the day before our President, Barack Obama, was to speak to the enduring legacy of Selma, that another unarmed black man, 19 year old Tony Robbins, was shot and killed by white police officer Matt Kenny. We don’t know the details of what happened or why; hopefully the truth—such as it is nowadays, as slippery as an eel and twice as squirmy—will be discovered, but until then what is shocking to me is the number of racist websites that completely trammel over this young man’s death by pointing to his arrest record and calling the story the false narrative. This is so familiar to how female rape victims are treated that it sickens me.

Which reminds me that March is National Women’s History Month and that this past Sunday was the International Women’s Day, this year’s theme being Make it Happen, a heartily optimistic cry in the face of so much legislature on both a state and national level which seeks to strip away women’s rights to have control over their own health care decisions, and in the face of the World Heath Organization statistics that proclaim that  “violence against women - particularly intimate partner violence and sexual violence against women - are major public health problems and violations of women's human rights.”

And I won’t even mention the recent house bill 1025 that passed in the Oklahoma House of Representatives that would end secular marriage and restrict marriage to people of faith and mandate that all marriage licenses must be approved by a member of the clergy. I know: clearly they didn’t think that one through. Still.

Let me just say: it was much more fun writing about sex. As I think of all the things happening in our world I can empathize with Dorothy’s amazing ability to sidetrack herself with trivial thoughts and fruitless desires. And I’m also really glad that during this Lenten season, we at All Souls are learning about how to be more compassionate, following the rubric in Karen Armstrong’s book, “Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life.” It’s been good for me to remember that, though cynicism or despair might be our default responses to the events and issues of our day, though it can be easy to reduce the news to caricatures of the players, rather than seeing the humanity of all involved—the shooters and the shot, the fearful legislators and the people impacted by their fear-based laws, the women who have been abused and the men (and sometimes women) who abuse them—there is another choice; the choice to respond with compassion, a choice to dig deep into the messy, chaotic, sometimes brutish experience of being human and to seek love, not hate; kindness, not cruelty; justice, not judgment.

In the seventh step of learning compassion, Armstrong invites us to acknowledge how little we know of others—their culture, faiths, politics, love—and to seek to broaden our perspective to make room for the other. I have to tell you, this can be hard for me. I want to lampoon the Oklahoma lawmakers, scoff at explanations given by white police officers who shoot unarmed black men; I want to deny them the same humanity that I lift up in their victims. Yet compassion is a two way street—really it’s more of a cloverleaf interchange, with people getting on and off the freeway and going in all sorts of directions. Compassion is a country dance, one in which our partners change according to the pattern of the song and we can’t choose with whom we will dance next, we simply must try to dance  graciously with each partner the song puts before us, changing our steps to match theirs, inviting them to try ours.

What the hell should I write about? Compassion. Kindness. Love. There’s never enough said about those. Here I go now.

“So I say, if you are burning, burn. If you can stand it, the shame will burn away and leave you shining, radiant, and righteously shameless” ― Elizabeth Cunningham

I’ve been enjoying reading the various posts from UU bloggers on #sexUUality over this past month. It’s been fascinating. Some talk about sex in the context of monogamous, heterosexual relationships such as this one by my friend and colleague Jordinn Nelson Long who shares how 30 days of making love was key in getting her marriage back on track,  and  this one  by Lynn Ungar goes beyond hetero marriage to ask the question of all committed relationships, “is sex necessary?”

Others have explored the different ways love shows up in our lives, with all its complications and beauty such as the rich complexities of loving beyond set sexual orientation and relational standards by my dear friend, Gretchen Haley, and this by Liz James that explores coloring outside the lines of socially approved love relationships

 Karen Johnston explores sex, sexuality and aging after serving as an intern chaplain in a nursing home and  this post, by Desmond Ravenstone,  a UU lay leader and the founder of Leather and Grace—a safe space for UUs  to explore BDSM and kink, lifts up the concept of covenant in BDSM relationships and refutes the improper use of contracts in the book/movie 50 Shades of Grey.

What I have loved about reading all these posts is that it reminds me of how varied and rich and diverse our sexualities are;  I can see how complex and enriching relationships can be if we dare to color outside the lines of societal and cultural norms—or even within them, if that’s our favorite flavor, recognizing that even still each relationship is unique to the people within it. This is, I think, why so many people, across the globe—and particularly women—loved the book/movie 50 Shades of Grey .  It’s a window into a way of being sexual and in relationship that is not lifted up in the light of day; it’s an invitation to consider our own sexual proclivities and secret desires, and to potentially explore them with one or more partners. The actual book does do a disservice to the BDSM communities; it doesn’t give an accurate portrayal of how contracts (or covenants) are actually sacred text in kink relationships and adhered to as reverently as a holy person abides by their particular scripture.  It’s not meant to portray real life, however, it’s simply a sexual fantasy written on paper, rather than just visualized in the brain. Most sexual fantasies would not pass muster in a real life relationship, that’s why they’re fantasies.  To hear more of my thoughts on this, as well as others, you can tune in to last week’s edition of the VUU, a talk show hosted by Church of the Larger Fellowship. I was a guest last week as we tackled the topic of sexuality. 

 As I said, it’s been refreshing to hear other people’s points of view regarding healthy, sacred sexuality and I will be somewhat saddened to see this month end. There is however, an opportunity for Colorado Springs folks to continue the conversation.  All Souls is offering, in conjunction with our sister church, High Plains, an adult OWL (Our Whole Lives) class. While we have very faithfully offered the versions of this whole life sexuality curriculum to our children and youth (it covers the span of time from kindergarten to adulthood) this is the first time we are offering the adult version, for people 35 and over. This 12 week class gives adults the opportunity to explore various issues of sexuality including

·         Sexuality and Values

·         Sexuality and Communication

·         Sexuality and Spirituality

·         Discovering the Sexual Self

·         Experiencing the Sexual Other

·         Sexual Attraction and Early Relationships

·         Sexuality and Developing Relationships

·         Sexuality and Committed Relationships

·         Sexual Diversity

·         Sexuality and Family

·         Sexuality and Aging

·         Sexual Health

The facilitators will be Larry Norfleet and Dianne McRae.  Classes will be held on Thursdays from 7-9pm starting March 12^th.  Because of the nature of this class, attendance to all sessions is expected.  The cost will be $125. You  can register by contacting Laurie Frydenall at All Souls or Jessica Laike at High Plains.

If these blog conversations have been fascinating to you, if you want to increase your understanding of your own sexuality and others, I hope you will consider attending. You do not have to be a member of either church in order to participate.

Now, as I finish the post, I still have one more to do; check back tomorrow for that. In the meantime, here is my personal credo regarding sex, relationships, and love, with the caveat that clearly our hetero married bloggers have shown us sex still is alive and well in monogamous relationships! If video link doesn't work, you can access it here

Unitarian Universalists have a long history of courage in tackling issues around human sexuality—from campaigning for human rights, to pioneering innovative work in the Our Whole Lives sexuality curriculum… join #UUs this month for a discussion of sex–the challenging parts, the beautiful parts, the spiritual parts, and even the downright goofy parts. UU or not, everyone is welcome to join in the conversation this month at #sexUUality