Earlier
this week, I was reading one of my favorite poems to my girlfriend. The poem, Phantasia for Elvira Shatayev by
Adrienne Rich speaks in the voice of Elvira who perished, along with all the
members of a women’s climbing team while attempting Lenin’s Peak in August,
1974.
Adrienne
writes with such simple beauty:
If in this sleep I speak
it's with a voice no longer personal
(I want to say with voices)
When the wind tore our breath from us at last
we had no need of words
For months for years each one of us
had felt her own yes growing in her
slowly forming as she stood at windows waited
for trains mended her rucksack combed her hair
What we were to learn was simply what we had
up here as out of all words that yes gathered
its forces fused itself and only just in time
to meet a No of no degrees
the black hole sucking the world in
it's with a voice no longer personal
(I want to say with voices)
When the wind tore our breath from us at last
we had no need of words
For months for years each one of us
had felt her own yes growing in her
slowly forming as she stood at windows waited
for trains mended her rucksack combed her hair
What we were to learn was simply what we had
up here as out of all words that yes gathered
its forces fused itself and only just in time
to meet a No of no degrees
the black hole sucking the world in
As
I read these words to my girlfriend, tears streamed down my face. At first I
tried to stop and regain my composure but then I thought, what the hell, and
just cried.
This
isn’t the first time in recent months that I’ve openly wept at beauty. Last
month my gf and I were in Northern California, a birthday trip from her to me.
We were driving up 101 to Redwood country. Although I’d lived in central
California for four years and Southern California for five years, I’d never
made it up north and this was my first time seeing the ancient sentinels. We
were in a borrowed convertible, the top down, and when we entered the first
grove of Redwoods, I felt my heart swell in amazement, their beauty was
breath-taking; I wept.
This
is a new development in my life, to be so openly moved by beauty—whether in
written word, nature, or acts of kindness that I read about in my newsfeed—that
my only reaction is to shed tears. I know that part of this is a consequence of
becoming more open with my heart as I’ve gotten older. I remember my younger
years---holding my feelings close to my chest, trying for a bluff rather than
showing my ace of hearts. I remember those days of yearning to be seen for who
I am, yet so fearful of revealing myself. The need for approval has peeled back
like so many layers of the proverbial onion as I’ve gotten older, becoming more
boldly myself, replacing my tough persona with my tender heart. (“You need
someone tender,” my gf said the first day we met and were talking about our
lives, in a casual getting-to-know-you sort of way; she didn’t know I’d see the
tenderness in her and decide the position was filled.)
But
I think this latest iteration of being moved to tears has another element to
it. The world we’re living in has become increasingly ugly in recent months—or rather,
I should say the humans in this world have been covering up the beauty with the
smog of bigotry and intolerance towards others and a cruel, dispassionate
tossing away of our natural resources; like petty vandals so many are carving
their names in ash and poison into the earth, toppling over the mountains with
a concerted push, setting a match to our forests ‘til they burn like kindling.
The
rhetoric coming out of our nation’s capital is that of stripping away
protections from people and our planet in order to generate more wealth and
power for a few; in our streets, people drive trucks proudly waving confederate
flags or Nazi swastikas while others live in fear of being deported from the
only home they know; in my own town, cars are vandalized with the “n” word,
swastikas are smeared on a local Jewish synagogue.
So
much ugliness in this world.
And
so, beauty seen in nature or seen in loving acts of kindness from one human to
another, from one human to the planet, or beauty felt in poetry or great
literature now moves me ever deeper than before; it causes tears to well up and
spill down my face. They are happy tears, of course, but also tears of relief
that such beauty still exists if we know where to look for it, and that my
heart, so embattled and scarred over these past months, can still dare to let
it in , to let it all in, to allow myself to be touched by the wonders of this
world.
It
reminds me of poet Rainer Maris Rilke’s advice:
Let everything happen
to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final
And it gives me strength to know that
even though much has been lost that I couldn’t save, even in the midst of such
ugly destruction of decency and concern for others and our planet, still
I will cast my lot with those who age after age, perversely, with
no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. And I will do it from one
moment of beauty to the next.
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